"Birth" of a different kind. . .

I've realized something important as of late. . . I'm pretty sure that I don't want to have any more children.  It's a strange feeling to me, this feeling of being "done", kind of a mixture of sadness and relief, especially when I spent so long (four years) trying to get pregnant and then afterwards being pregnant with two children that are not so far apart in age.

Now that my youngest is becoming a toddler, I realize that sometimes I will miss that newborn phase.  You know, when your baby is so little and smells so fresh.  Ooooh, that newborn smell!   I could never get enough of it, I would bury my nose into my babes hair as they milked themselves into a stupor.  I would hold them till they fell asleep in my arms and then hold them some more.  My sweet little babes.

I think no matter how old my children get, they will still be my sweet little babes.  I've heard some people say that they wish their kids could stay little forever.  That's not me.  I have enjoyed every stage of my children's growth so far.  Each one bringing it's own challenges and delights.  That said, as each stage begins and another ends, despite the beauty of it, there is a certain part of my heart that aches, at times, it can be very bitter sweet watching my children grow.  I suppose it all has to do with letting go and watching the cycles of life unfold before my very eyes.

There is a part of me that wishes to continue on in my involvement in advocating for natural birth, and I will.   How this show's up, I'm not sure.  I've thought about becoming a doula or a midwife, but right now my attention needs to be directed towards my children.  Perhaps there will be space for this in the future.  For now, I'm sure you will hear from me, in this regards, via my blog or the various facebook pages I participate in.  There is such a need for women to speak up about birth and the beauty and empowerment it can bestow.  I believe that we, as a people, have come so far away from our natural self that a primal thing, such as giving birth, has become very clinical.  In my experience birthing was far from clinical and more into the realm of spiritual even transcendental.

That said, I still feel "done", even to the point where I am publicly admitting it!  Ha!  99.9999% DONE.  Gotta leave a tiny space for the "what ifs" and/or "buts".  But for now, yes, no more children from this beautiful body of mine.  Time for birth of a different kind, whatever the next adventure may be.  Thank you body for being so amazing and continuing to do so!

I ate my placenta with some fava beans and a nice chianti!

Yes, I did eat my placenta, but not with fava beans or chianti, I'm no Hannibal Lecter.  Recently I had dinner over at a friends house and we got into a conversation about the benefits of eating your placenta after birth.  It inspired me to write.  I know some of you know me personally and roll your eyes at my "primitive ways", but there is something to this amazing ancient medicine and you wouldn't know till you try it.  

Our placentas are full of nutrients and energy.  Eating your placenta is supposed to help with post partum stress and also help regulate hormones.  It gives you the energy you need to bounce back from the intense experience of birth.  Some animals do it in the wild so that they have the strength to get up and move on.  

Our placentas nourish our babies, why not nourish ourselves with it.  Gross?  Ok.  It's not on my list of favorite dinnertime meals, but it's not meant for that.  Placenta encapsulation has been a part of post partum care for hundreds of years in traditional chinese medicine.  Many other cultures also encourage placenta consumption as well (Vietnamese, Hungarians, Italians to name a few).  It is said to help slow or even stop haemorrhaging after birth, help to increase a mother's milk supply, restore iron levels and regulate hormones.  Why wouldn't you want that?  

After Serafin was born I had my placenta dried and made into medicine capsules.  I never took these regularly, and wasn't consistent about it.  I had major baby blues and a rough time transitioning into parenthood at the time.  After Silas was born, I decided to give it a go again and wow were the affects noticeable and amazing.  This time, I made sure to take my medicine as directed.  

Right after birth, my midwife, Jamie, prepared my placenta in three different ways, raw, dried and tincture form.  A couple of days after the birth, my brave hubby attempted to make a smoothie for me to drink.  I'll admit, it was not the most tasty smoothie I've had, after my first sip I wondered if I was going to be able to do it.  Eager to feel the energy boost, I plugged my nose and chugged it.  The affects of it were immediate, my energy lifted through the roof, I felt stronger and more nourished.  I continued to take my "placenta medicine" in the form of capsules for three weeks.  I had no post partum blues, healing from the birth was 10 times faster than with my first child, and I felt no major hormonal ups and downs.  While a lot of this had to do with Silas' gentle birth and the support I had around me, I also think eating my placenta helped regulate me. 

Recently, while talking about our move with one of our midwives I was reminded that I also had my placenta in the form of tincture.  "Yes!" I thought.  It was perfect.  With the move to Orcas, I am in a time of transition and in the process of creating a new life.  I am "birthing" a new experience for myself and family.  I started to take the tincture and noticed that my emotional state started to feel a little more balanced.  Thank you body, once again, for creating this wonderful medicine.  

Just for kicks, I googled placenta smoothies and found this sight.  Too bad I didn't do that before I gave birth to Silas, who knows, maybe I could have enjoyed drinking it a little more if I had prepared a bit better, the veggie placenta smoothie doesn't sound all that bad.  ;)  Ladies, don't be afraid, eating your placenta ain't all that bad, in fact, it's quite the opposite!

Sharing our stories, . . .

(My two angels, I'm the luckiest mom on earth!)

A women will remember the day her child is born for the rest of her life. Whether a positive birthing experience or a negative birthing experience, it is so important for us to share what we have gone through with one another. In this sharing we can find common ground and healing. I was surprised at myself when I realized towards the end of my second pregnancy with my son, that I had some post traumatic stress from my previous birth. It needed to be talked about and processed.

On the outlook, my sweet daughter, Serafin's, birth seemed so peaceful and beautiful. Parts of it were. She was born at home, no major complications, labor was long, but not very intense until the end. However, what you don't read in my birth story is that I tore horribly and my pubic bone separated because her head didn't mold when she came down the birth canal. I don't know why I didn't write about that when I got to writing the story down, in retrospect, I believe I was simply trying to push the difficulties out of my mind because it hurt to think about it. It wasn't till I lost my mom, eight months after Serafin's birth, that I realized that the only way to get through pain is to walk right through it. This insight has helped me process pain and suffering tremendously.

As I got closer and closer to the birth of my son, I realized how much I still needed to talk about the birth of my daughter. Among dealing with the ambiguity of my upcoming birth plus fears that surrounded it, somehow I was still holding onto the memory of what had happened previously. I was desperately afraid that I would tear again and have to deal with a separated pubic bone like I did the first time. Once I began focusing in on these fears, I was able to begin to fully process just how painful parts of my first birth were.

How many times have you heard someone say, "we did what it takes, momma and baby are now safe and that's all that matters." While the safety of momma and baby are of utmost importance, it is most definitely NOT all that matters. The emotional impact that unprocessed trauma has on a human being can follow them around for years and years until it is fully experienced and processed by that individual. That's why it's called post traumatic stress. Even if our minds aren't thinking about it, our bodies carry it with us till we can slow down enough to allow ourselves to be in the experience physically. For example, have you ever noticed that when you are angry, if you just stop the mind chatter and allow yourself to be angry, to sit in the feelings, wether it's a knot in your stomach or tightness in your shoulders, usually the anger shifts somehow? It either goes away, lessons or becomes something different.

Towards the end of my second pregnancy, I remember finally processing some of these old feelings. I remember sitting and noticing the tightness in my vagina when I thought about giving birth again. Feeling the flutters in my chest and allowing them to be there, not pushing them away. Just simply sitting with them, acknowledging that there was hurt in me that I was carrying around from my past experience. It was amazing to see how my fears shifted as I approached birth for the second time.

Inspiration for this blog post has come to me after attending a birth stories potluck. I hadn't had a chance to share my experience in quite some time and it felt so good to speak of it in detail. As I recalled it, I was brought to tears and was once again reminded how my body holds emotions. It is so important for me to talk about these things. It is also wonderful to hear other's experiences. I find comfort in knowing I am not alone, and I also learn from listening to others. Our stories, wether blissful, or painful need to be shared so we can learn about ourselves and each other.

The Amazing Women of Wombservice Midwifery!

Yesterday , we had our final postpartum visit with the beautiful ladies of Wombservice Midwifery. I was sad to see them go. My experience with them was amazing and empowering and I felt the need to spread the word. They are well-educated, sincere and trustworthy women and if you are in the market for a midwife, I recommend these ladies hands down!

In the nine months that I worked with Ellen, Jamie and Hannah, I always felt safe. During their visits to our home, my questions were answered and I felt I could always express myself. Pregnancy and childbirth is an emotional ride and I felt supported and loved by these women throughout. I look forward to continuing our work together with the well-women care that they provide.

Womb Service provided all the tests we needed, including blood tests with blood with-drawls right in our home. They taught me about my body, teaching me how to palpate my belly during pregnancy, showing me how to do breast exams properly and even how to feel for my cervix (which I have always had difficulty doing). They always had suggestions for whatever issues I brought up and worked on each other's strengths to come up with a good game plan for me. They were on time and respectful of our space. They always seemed happy to come to our house and put up with our crazy dogs and noisy birds without a single complaint. They addressed all my fears and made space for them, I never felt disregarded or shamed. They are truly amazing women! Thank you for a wonderful experience ladies!

Silas' Birth in all it's glory!

Silas Mikel Dorrington: Born October 30th, 11:19 AM, 7 lbs, 11 oz

I woke up around midnight on my due date. I had gone to bed early that night, I knew labor was coming soon. My body was tired of being pregnant and I had aches and pains everywhere. The surges woke me up, they were not the practice surges that I had been experiencing for the last few weeks, they were a stronger, lower wave that made my body sing.

I looked at the clock, I watched them come and go for about an hour. "Give it an hour" my midwife had said, "then call me". Yup, it was definitely labor. I went upstairs to tell Gary, I was excited. "Are you sure?" he said. During the next surge, the upright position I was in made it a stronger one. "Uh huh!"

I called our midwife, Ellen, it was a little after one in the morning. "Good morning!" I said to her, "It's starting, and I just wanted to keep you updated." She advised me to try and get some rest, start filling the tub and that she would see me soon. Gary and I went downstairs, he made the birthing bed and started filling up the tub. We both laid in bed while the tub was filling up. I was breathing through the surges. They weren't that strong yet, but I did remember thinking, "How the heck am I going to do this again! Here we go!"

I was listening to the water filling up the tub, then Gary started snoring, I was obsessing over every little sound, I needed to be alone and get into the zone. I took a candle with me up to our spare bedroom. I called my friend Mel who was going to be at the birth, told her it was going to be soon. I was emotional, I was missing my mom.

When I got off the phone with her I closed my eyes and drifted in and out of sleep, my surges building in strength and my body getting ready to birth. I remember letting go and just thinking of them as energy. It helped me relax and let the surge move through my body. Gary buzzed up at some point to let me know the tub was ready, I felt better knowing that everything was in place. I breathed through the surges. I moaned through some. I just laid in bed on my side and let my body do what it was mean tot do. It was amazing.

Around 7:00 I went back to our bedroom. The surges were getting stronger. I had been drinking a ton of fluid so I was going to the bathroom a lot. Every time I would stand up, Silas' head would push down and my surges would get stronger. I called Ellen again around 8. "Their getting stronger, but I just don't know when it will be. I will keep you posted." She asked me what I was doing. I told her just laying on my side. She asked me if I had tried the tub and I told her I really didn't feel like moving much. She said a good indicator would be when I felt like getting up and moving around or getting in the tub. She was right. An hour later I was ready to move.

I called my friend Mel, I still thought the birth was going to be a while, I told her to bring a book and we could hang out, she was on her way over. I got into the tub. Labor intensified. The tub really got things moving. The water felt wonderful, the weightlessness. I had Gary call Ellen again, she was going to head over. Before Ellen and the other midwives, Jamie and Hannah, arrived I told Gary I wanted some family time. He went and got Serafin and brought her into our bedroom. Of course she wanted to get into the water. He stripped off her clothes and plopped her in. I continued to labor and she played around me. Gary showed her how to poor water on my back while I had surges. I felt so close to my family.

Out of nowhere, something in me unleashed, I began to wail for my mom. I heard my voice, it felt like an ancient wail, such a primitive sound coming from inside me, not a cry, not a sob, a wail. I had never wailed like that. I had been holding it in, afraid to let it out, afraid to feel it. I missed my mom so much. I knew I had to feel it, I knew that feeling it would allow me to open up and release into birth. I don't know how long I wailed for, but I knew that at some point I started to come out of it. I was back to being with my surges and family again.

I started to get too hot, so I got out and layed on my side. Ellen arrived. "I think this is it." I said to her. "I hope he comes soon". I added as I moaned through a surge. "You look like a woman in labor to me!" said Ellen. "I hope it's today" I added. "Oh, I think it's going to be today." Replied Ellen. It was 10:00ish. Hannah arrived. They were bringing in equipment. From then on it becomes a bit of a blur.

I got back into the tub. I began moaning. I remember sensations. I was so in my body. They had put a cold wash cloth on the edge of the tub which I couldn't pull my head away from, it felt so good. I remember them checking the babies heart rate. I remember them prompting me and telling me how good I was doing. At this point Gary was upstairs with Serafin, he was coming down and checking on me on and off. I could hear Serafin jumping around on the floor above us. I moaned. I was in laborland.

I remember Jamie arriving and then Mel. I remember feeling Mel's hands on my head, massaging my scalp. I remember Hannah saying "breath him down". Then I felt the bodies natural urge to push. "Let your body do the work, go with your body" Ellen told me. My body was doing it. The next surge was here, I was toning, I remember hearing Jamie toning with me. A deep, loud "Om" is what it sounded like. Jamie's voice was music to my ears. Somehow, her toning with me made me feel like I was not alone. Like she was right there with me, laboring along side with me. I felt like I had angels around me.

I remember Ellen saying, "I think it might be time to get your Dad here". He was supposed to take care of Serafin. I actually had to think about it for a minute, I still thought it was going to be a while (don't ask me why!), then I agreed. Gary came downstairs, I could hear him on the phone with my Dad, a surge was coming, "ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" I heard my voice say, I felt my body bare down and then suddenly felt Silas' head crowning. "Get off the phone!" I shouted to Gary. "His head is coming!" More moaning.

My clit felt like it was going to tear in half. I felt myself tensing. My midwives suggested either I or they put pressure on the area. I reached down and literally pushed down on my sons head, away from my clitoris. Relief. Another surge. His head came out. More relief. He was here! I couldn't believe it. Jamie reached down and got him from the water. Silas was born in the caul, which means he was born in his water sac. This is said to be good luck. Jamie pulled the membrane off his head. "I'm glad that's over!" I remember saying.

Somehow we got situated in the water and they gave me Silas, he was crying that beautiful newborn cry. Gary brought Serafin in and I felt surrounded by so much love. My Dad arrived a few minutes later and came in to meet his grandson. It was an amazing birth. After a little resting time in the water, Dad took Serafin upstairs again so that I could birth the placenta. I was eager for it to be over and done with and a bit impatient with that part. Jamie assured me that sometimes it takes a while. She gave me some herbs to help with the surges and then after a good push, I felt it gush out. More relief.

I was then helped into bed and looked over; my vitals, my yoni, everything. Silas then had his turn. He was born at 11:19, weighing 7 pounds 11 ounces. Ellen made me an omelette, I devoured it. I was then ready to rest.

It's funny, when I read over the events, it all seems so simple. In fact, it was simple. Leading up to the birth was so complex for me, I kept playing mind games with myself. Preparing, dealing with my grief, letting go of expectation. Once I was actually in the birth, I just let go. What an amazing feeling. I am still glowing from my birth experience. I feel blessed to have been able to feel and experience such a wonderful life changing moment. For me, both times that I have birthed have been an empowering and amazing experience. I have never felt more in my body and more letting go into whatever the universe is offering me. Thank you to the people that surrounded me with so much love and light. My family, my friends, my beloved midwives. I truly felt that I was surrounded by angels. I am one lucky mama.

Giving Way To Birth, . . .Before Silas Was Born

Before Silas was born, . . . .

It's hard for me to think of where to begin with this story. To just go into the details of his birth or just describing the events the day Silas was born feels like to little. There is so much more behind the story and leading up to the birthing process. From the moment I found out I was pregnant again, I began preparing for birth. A lot of this pregnancy was about facing my own mortality, looking at death and really letting go and accepting what life has to offer.

After my mom died a year and a half ago, life turned a different color for me. Everything became sharper and more vivid, I realized what was important in my life and I learned to let go of a lot of things that didn't matter. I grew up in a way that I needed. I felt pain I had never felt before. It was the hardest experience I ever went through, and I still grieve for her. At the same time, my mom's passing opened up an opportunity for me to learn about myself and grow in a way that I couldn't have done without experiencing her loss. I am grateful for that.

When I found out I was pregnant again in Febuary, the close experience I had with losing a loved one sent me into my own tunnel of fears and insecurities. Two years earlier, when my daughter was born, I had an innate trust in my body, I "knew" I could birth her. I wasn't afraid. This time was a completely different experience. Looking at death so closely, seeing my mom's body after her death really hit home to me how we are literally here one moment and gone the next. I was afraid of dying.

In the last months of pregnancy, as I got closer and closer to the birth of Silas, the fear of dying during or immediately after labor became stronger and stronger. I actually remember at one point saying to myself, "If I make it through this birth, all bets are off, life will continually surprise me with it's own path and I have no control over it." In some way, I needed to experience this birth to firmly remind me that I am powerless over life and death. That I don't get to make that decision. That life will take me where I am meant to go.

The days before Silas arrived, there was a letting go. I remember feeling more at peace. Whatever was to be would be, and by then I was feeling so uncomfortable in my body, that I was ready to face the challenges of labor. I had an amazing team in place, each of whom I loved and trusted. There was a part of me that was worried that any fear that I had left over would hinder my birthing process and make it more difficult. When in fact, I learned, that it was only during the process of birthing, that I was actually able to really let go into my fear, feel it fully and release it.

My daughter's birth was about being present and not having expectations. My son's birth was more about accepting "what is", making room for "it" in the present and not judging myself for whatever I was feeling. I am incredibly grateful to have had such wonderful birth experiences, each with their own challenges and most of all moments of pure bliss. Birth can be that as well as hard work and painful. Giving birth was transformational to me. I am incredibly blessed to have been able to experience it fully not only once, but twice in my life.

39 weeks and the tub is ready to go!

Yes! I hope to give birth in that! So exciting! For those of you that may have read Serafin's birth story, you all know she was birthed at home, sans water (an experience I've always hoped to have). We had planned for a water birth, but didn't manage to quite make it in there on time. As a matter a fact we didn't even get around to rolling it into the room to start filling it up!

We'll see what happens this time around! So far so good! I'm feeling ready as well as the gamut of other emotions that come and go, excitement, anxiousness, curiosity, all of it, . . .

Please wish us your love and light!

xoxo

Love to you all!

The Birth!

Serafin Nancy Dorrington was born on June 20th, 2009 at 5:36 AM. She was 8.13 lbs. My due date was on a Thursday, June 18th. I knew in my heart that she was going to be born that weekend weekend.
When I woke up on Thursday morning, I noticed a gift that my husband left me by the side of the bed. It was a DVD with a note on it saying “Jess, this is what you wanted.” I knew what it was and my heart softened. I popped it into the DVD player and the tears started. My husband is a photographer. He went through a period of taking various photos of flowers. I remember I would see him going through is files on his computer and being mesmerized by the beauty and sharpness of his photos, especially those ones of flowers.
Throughout my pregnancy I was obsessed with flowers. To me, they are the ultimate symbol of fertility. I once heard that when a flower blooms it’s like an orgasm—a build up, a peak and then a mini-death. Even though the flower wilts and dies, the rest of the plant goes on producing. The seeds from the flower spread and create more plants with more flowers. If you look into the center of a flower, it actually looks like a cervix.
That afternoon I watched the DVD several times. I visually tried to imagine my cervix opening like a flower allowing my baby to come down as smoothly and as easy as possible. Throughout the day I was in a daze, I actually felt like I was on drugs, like I was in some sort of Euphoria. I knew she was coming soon. That night, I finished my book thinking to myself, I’m not going to have much time to read pretty soon, so I better finish it now! Then I went to bed.
I woke up at 3 in the morning. I was feeling waves in my uterus. It was completely different to the other type of surges I had throughout my pregnancy. I knew labor was starting. The surges were coming at 5 minutes apart already, however they only lasted about 20 seconds. Really, I didn’t know what was going on or how long it would be, just that the process was starting. I got up to get a snack and then went back to bed.
The next morning when I woke, I told my hubby what was going on and decided to call our doula, Esther to keep her posted. The plan was that she was to be the first birth attendant to arrive at our house to help support me during labor, when the birth got closer, we our midwives would come. “How long do you think?” I asked her. “It could be tonight, tomorrow or the next day, try and keep it low key. Rest, go for little walks, drink plenty of fluids.” I got off the phone with her I decided that it would be best to inform our midwife, Shiela, that my surges had begun. After we spoke for a while I was convinced that I was only in pre-labor, my surges were mild and even though they were close together, Shiela re-iterated what Esther had said, “lay low, don’t get too excited, it may be a while, rest, drink plenty and eat to keep your strength.” I do remember thinking to myself, “holy shit, how the hell am I going to deal with this for two more days?” I put it in the back of my mind and started to go about my day.
It just so happened, that my husband was off from work that day so he was hanging around the house. Like me, he also didn’t know what to expect. I think because I was relatively calm and didn’t seem to be in too much pain, thanks to the handy dandy hypnobirthing techniques, we both didn’t believe I was actually in labor! It was almost as if I was in denial about it, I kept waiting for it to be super intense thinking, “gotta hang on cause I’m going to be like this for two more days!” Not that it wasn’t intense, but I think that because the surges start off so mild and gradually build, by the time they are at that super intense stage, you are in such an altered state of being.
Throughout the day, Friday, I hung out and did things around the house. I remember toning a lot when the surges would come. One woman once told me that her surges came on like “waves” and that you had to “get on top of it like a surfer”. I kept imagining myself riding the waves. I was talking to a friend who was also close to giving birth and I would start moaning on the telephone. Sometimes it was more of a chant. I felt like I was “oming” my way through the surges sometimes.
The morning turned into the afternoon, which turned into the evening. At some point during the day my mucous plug came out. In the early evening, I was laying on the couch watching a movie and I remember the intensity of the surges increasing. I was trying to divert my attention and focus on the movie. I also remember kind of drifting off to sleep at one point, but would wake up because the surges were still coming about every five minutes. Again, I called the doula to let her know what was going on.
By that point I had a massive headache. In retrospect I believe it was because I wasn’t drinking enough fluids, but at the time I wasn’t even thinking about why I had the headache,, only, “how the hell am I going to get rid of this headache so I can rest and be ready for birth?!?” Our doula told us to call the midwife to tell her about the headache.
After speaking Shiela I remember feeling a little frustrated because I was hoping she would tell me I was getting close, by that time it was around 9 at night. Instead, she gave me what she called “tough love” because she was still under the impression that I was in pre-labor and it might take a while. She told me that I really had to focus on getting rest, that I should drink more fluids and take a Tylenol for the headache. After getting off the phone with her I really started to wonder how I was going to handle the birthing process if this was only considered to be pre-labor. Like a good mama, I got in bed and tried to get some rest. Little did any of us know, very soon after our baby girl was to be born!
At 11 pm the surges kicked up another notch, I called my therapist, I knew she might be able to give me ideas about how to handle the intensity, after all, we had spoken about things I might do in our previous sessions together, now I needed a little reminding! She gave me the idea of trying to distract myself with a story.
I got off the phone with her and called Gary down. I didn’t want to watch TV, but instead asked him to read me a story to get my mind off things. After several chapters I told him I needed to rest again. My head was pounding. He left the room and I continued to labor. I drifted in and out of sleep. I remember waking up for a surge and staring at the bouquet of flowers next to my bed. Imagining that flower opening--my baby easily coming down the birth canal and being born into my arms. The next 4 hours were a blur.
At about 3 in the morning I called Gary down again. He had been upstairs watching TV. “Call Esther, I need help relaxing, maybe she can help me relax!” I said to him frantically. I had such a nasty headache that I was thinking she could come and give me a massage or something. Or simply just help me calm down and relax! I was laying in our dim lit bedroom at that point breathing through the surges. Slow breathing, in to a count of 20 and out to a count of 20. I kept staring at the flowers. “Open.” I told myself. “It’s ok. Let go.” I was totally in the moment. I was about to give birth! My body went through having chills to sweating profusely. I started vomiting. My body was going crazy! Like a wild animal.
Trying to have a conversation with Esther was difficult. She listened to me have a surge, then said to me, “um, I’ll be right over”. As soon as I got off the phone with her I felt the urge to push! “Call Shiela!” I shouted at my husband in a moment of sanity. “Why don’t we wait till Esther gets here, she will be here very soon, she’ll know what to do.” He didn’t know what was going on inside me, but neither did I! I wasn’t coherent. I couldn’t think clearly. All I knew was that my body was doing what it had to do.
Esther got here very quickly. At that point I was squatting next to the bed, the only place I was comfortable. I told her I was feeling the urge to push “am I in labor?” I asked her (a question that we all laughed about later.). “Call Shiela!” She directed to Gary with a smile. Gary went to call the midwife. I could hear him talking to her but wasn’t listening to any of it. All I knew was that she was on her way.
We had planned to do a water birth. Esther told Gary to bring the tub in and start filling it up. As he rolled it in, she looked at him, shook her head and said, “don’t bother.” This baby was coming soon!
My hands were clenched. I was holding onto the bed in a squat. “raaaaaaaaa” I would scream as my body bared down. I heard this loud amazing mama voice come out of me. As I continued to labor, Esther put cold compresses on my forehead. She gave me vitamin water, which helped with my headache, although at this point I finally wasn’t thinking about my head!
My body was in control. It knew exactly what to do and it was doing it. What an amazing experience this was! At that point Esther started preparing the room for the birth. Shiela arrived, and very soon after, our second midwife arrived (midwives work in twos, one for the mama and one for the baby incase both need attention at the same time). This was happening!
Once Shiela was ther she started asking questions, “Did your water break?” I didn’t know (it hadn’t). “When was the last time you went to the bathroom?” I also couldn’t remember. She insisted that I try to go. With their help I hobbled to the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet was impossible! The pressure on my yoni was unbearable! I tried to squat in the bathtub, it wasn’t happening, we hobbled back to the bed. I tried laying down on my side, turning around on all fours. The only place I was comfortable was in a semi squat by the side of the bed. I resumed position. The pushing urges were stronger and stronger. As each surge would come upon me I would breath down through it, and out through my yoni. This is what we called “J” breathing. I was literally breathing my baby down and out of me.
With each surge I would roar. My body baring down. The surges coming on top of each other, wave after wave. Then my body opened. She was about to be born. Still leaning over the bed in a squat the midwife says, “do you want to feel her head”. “No!” I shouted, I couldn’t take anything else, I just wanted her to be born at that point.
“Come on little girl, we can do it,” I screamed. My water finally broke. It felt like a huge pop! I remember hearing in the background “slight meconium”. This was the only time my head came back because I had heard that meconium in the water was not good. “Is it ok?” I asked, Shiela assured me that everything was fine. Then my sweet baby’s head started crowning. I felt a burn. She sat there, her head just about to come out, waiting for the next surge. “She’s right there” I heard somebody say. The next surge came upon me and out of know wher there was a gush of fluid coming out of me and with it our baby girl!
It was such a strange feeling for me to suddenly not have a baby inside me. It was such a huge relief, but I remember feeling so empty inside. I didn’t have time to think about it, our baby girl was right there! They took Serafin. She was having a little trouble breathing and needed to have some fluid sucked out from her lungs. I saw her flesh become pink and was in complete awe of the entire experience. A minute later she was in my arms. She had an apgar score of 8. Gary grabbed my hand and said “we have our little girl!” They helped us all back into bed and Serafin instantly began to breastfeed. I’m sure with a tough journey like that she must have been hungry!





At that point I didn’t feel tired in the least. In fact I was filled with adrenaline and wanted to call everybody and let them know that our baby girl had arrived, even though at that point it was only about 5:45 AM. If I could have, I would have, but there was more work to be done. About a half hour later, with a little work, the birth was complete when the placenta arrived. It was very large and we put it in a bowl to refrigerate. I had organized a women to come and make medicine out of it for future use. She was to encapsulated it for me to eat it and help me with post partum depression or other emotional times.
After the placenta was born I was stitched up. I had a 2nd degree tear. It was quite painful, but in retrospect I am amazed at the strength and courage I had to go through it all. Serafin was cuddling with her daddy through all of this. They both were exhausted and falling asleep in a chair across from the bed. I tried to get up to take a shower, I was very faint and ended up crawling from one place to another. At one point the midwives gave me some oxygen to help me get centered a little. I was pretty weak for the next couple of days, but we had this amazing little girl! I was now a mother!
The two months after Serafin was born were quite difficult for me, both emotionally and physically. Both my husband and I had a hard time coping with the sleepless nights and the adjustments to the new responsibility. Having a child brings up so much stuff. Many times I would feel overwhelmed and simply feel that I just did not know what to do when my sweet baby would cry. My body also hurt for many months after. I had pain right in front of my pubic bone and sometimes it would ache all day long, even 5 months after giving birth.
Now, 8 months later, I know that I’m feeling better, because I think to myself, “yeah, I could do it all again!” At least I would have an idea of what to expect, which could be a good or a not so good thing, I do tend to have an over active mind! Although, believe me, I’m not ready just yet!
I know that if I get pregnant again, it will be a completely different experience entirely and that giving birth is not about having expectations. In fact more than anything, giving birth is about being in the moment. Reacting to what is important and letting go of all the rest. In some ways I feel that giving birth has brought me closer and more comfortable with my own mortality and the fact that I too will die one day. Afterall, birth and death are one of the same, for the moment we are born, we begin to die, and the moment we die, we are to be reborn again. I love it! What a crazy trip this is! I feel blessed and grateful to have this opportunity to live and simply be!

-Namaste-