"Birth" of a different kind. . .

I've realized something important as of late. . . I'm pretty sure that I don't want to have any more children.  It's a strange feeling to me, this feeling of being "done", kind of a mixture of sadness and relief, especially when I spent so long (four years) trying to get pregnant and then afterwards being pregnant with two children that are not so far apart in age.

Now that my youngest is becoming a toddler, I realize that sometimes I will miss that newborn phase.  You know, when your baby is so little and smells so fresh.  Ooooh, that newborn smell!   I could never get enough of it, I would bury my nose into my babes hair as they milked themselves into a stupor.  I would hold them till they fell asleep in my arms and then hold them some more.  My sweet little babes.

I think no matter how old my children get, they will still be my sweet little babes.  I've heard some people say that they wish their kids could stay little forever.  That's not me.  I have enjoyed every stage of my children's growth so far.  Each one bringing it's own challenges and delights.  That said, as each stage begins and another ends, despite the beauty of it, there is a certain part of my heart that aches, at times, it can be very bitter sweet watching my children grow.  I suppose it all has to do with letting go and watching the cycles of life unfold before my very eyes.

There is a part of me that wishes to continue on in my involvement in advocating for natural birth, and I will.   How this show's up, I'm not sure.  I've thought about becoming a doula or a midwife, but right now my attention needs to be directed towards my children.  Perhaps there will be space for this in the future.  For now, I'm sure you will hear from me, in this regards, via my blog or the various facebook pages I participate in.  There is such a need for women to speak up about birth and the beauty and empowerment it can bestow.  I believe that we, as a people, have come so far away from our natural self that a primal thing, such as giving birth, has become very clinical.  In my experience birthing was far from clinical and more into the realm of spiritual even transcendental.

That said, I still feel "done", even to the point where I am publicly admitting it!  Ha!  99.9999% DONE.  Gotta leave a tiny space for the "what ifs" and/or "buts".  But for now, yes, no more children from this beautiful body of mine.  Time for birth of a different kind, whatever the next adventure may be.  Thank you body for being so amazing and continuing to do so!

Orcas Dreams Part 1: Getting Our Feet Dirty

Our first morning here!  Silas gets his feet dirty as we enjoy the view and a danish!  Yummo!

Well, my computer has finally arrived, and now I am at a loss for words.  Obviously that's not totally true, I can always find something to say.  I had plans to sit down and account for all that has happened in the month since we arrived here, but now it feels like all too much to go back into my head and try and remember.  Below I'll post some pictures of the move and a few of our early island adventures, but I think that will be the best I can do.

The first three weeks after we arrived on Orcas we came into an Indian summer.  It was really nice to move up North and be greeted by gorgeous sunny and long days.  I think the memory of those days will keep me going through the darkness of winter.  I am nervous about winter.  We have moved into fall now.  The leaves are turning, there are splotches of red, orange and yellow dotted all over the island, their backdrop is the amazing emerald green trees of the Pacific North West.  Yes, it is beautiful here.

Our cat Henry got a chance to enjoy the sunshine as well.  We lost him just before the rains started.  He was a true example of a cat having nine lives.  He had been close to passing a number of times since he came into our lives, his will to live was incredibly strong and inspiring.  In conclusion, I believe that Henry wanted to see what all the ruckus was about, boxes everywhere, all the movement, Gary going back and forth.  Henry wanted to see Orcas, and he did.  Henry made it through a 24 hour car ride and enjoyed the fresh air for three full weeks.  We decided to help him along when he stopped eating his food, was having difficulty breathing and began having seizures.  He died with me holding him when a local vet came to our house to administer the shot.  All of his family was around him and he passed as the sun was setting.  It was really quite beautiful and I am again reminded of the beauty of life, and death.  When I see a passing like this, it moves me and I gain more courage for the future when it will be my time to move along.  Alas, we all die.  Thank you sweet Henry, I miss you.

Gary took some photos of Henry while  he hung out in the Garden.  He always seemed to really enjoy feeling the sun and breathing the fesh air.  He would hold his head up and close his eyes.  The true meaning of presence.

"Operation Orcas" is now null and void, since we are now living here, I will entitle my new series of lifestyle writings, "Orcas Dreams".  Gary and I had dreamt of doing this for ourselves and our children for quite some time and it only seems appropriate to honor that.  Also, this island certainly is dreamy, I keep having to pinch myself and reminding myself that I actually live here now.  We are blessed.

Life on the island is interesting.  There is definitely an island feel, fresh fish, water and beaches at the end of roads, the sound of the waves, high prices for food and gas, 2 or 3 markets, everybody knows each other, buoys and other beach items everywhere you look, . . .  you get the picture.  I am reminded of my sweet greek grandmother who lived on a small island all her life.  I wish I could talk to her and tell her about my adventures here.  In my dreams I suppose!

We are meeting some people, but I haven't connected with anybody yet, you know, that real connection where you are like, "hey, you're cool, let's hang out!".  It will take some time.  I miss my friends and family back at home and feel a bit lonely at times when I can't reach them.  I have been making an effort to get out though and Serafin also starts going to her new pre-school next week.  I have a feeling I will get to know some parents through there.

Her school is amazing!  I want to go there!  There are chickens and a huge play yard with impressive structures to climb on and explore.  The classroom is in a small building and has a loft with a blackboard for doodles, all the toys are wooden and there were a couple of instruments there that I even had trouble recognizing.   The school put on a "Fall Festival" of sorts with a pot luck lunch, a cider press for making fresh apple cider and there were even donkeys for riding.  Serafin had a blast, I did too.

The next couple of weeks there will be a lot of activity for us.  Aside from Serafin starting school, Gary has his birthday and then Silas his (I can't believe he's turning one!), after that it's Halloween, one of my favorite holidays! We've made ghosts for hanging in the trees and even made a Serafin and Silas scarecrow that greet any guests at the driveway entrance.

Another photo of Gary's, Serafin had fun making the scarecrows, she even wanted to put one in the bucket swing and watch it go!  

We won't be getting any trick-or-treaters on our 24 acre lot that's 5 minutes up a gravel road on Sunset Mountain.  Nope, not here, but we didn't in our last house either, so that's nothing new!  The stores in town, however, open their doors to kids on the island for trick-or-treating, they also do pumpkin carving, story telling, and hay rides.  The local stores are also participating in a scare-crow festival, so I look forward to see what Eastsound turns itself into this Halloween.

As for me, a lot of what I do depends on how I will be feeling next week.  I've been a bit bogged down this week with a hurt lower back.  I had Silas in his carrier and Serafin gave me the "Oh my god I've got to pee right now" cue, so we rushed to a public toilet and when I lifted her on to the seat I heard my back crunch.  I thought it was getting better and then over did it yesterday when I was eager to mop and clean the bathrooms (can't believe I said that).  Anyway, I have ended up stuck in bed all day today, good thing my computer arrived!  So that's all for now my friends.  It feels good to be back on the internet super highway!  BIG LOVE and talk soon!  Enjoy the pics!

Serafin crashes out in the car seat on the way to Orcas.  After being up since 3:30, I was surprised she made it as long as she did!  I had a quiet ride all the way to the ferry, a blessing for this tired mama!

"What a relief!  We made it!"

This was our moving truck!  We filled the entire thing up apparently!  See what I mean about having a lot of stuff.  How did that happen??

Thank goodness it wasn't raining when the movers arrived, it would have been a lot messier.  We have white carpets in this house (the only major flaw in my opinion) and muddy shoes on movers would not have been a nice welcome.  They had a good strategy though, take everything off the truck and put it in the driveway, then bring it into the house.

I have connected with my mom on this land already.  When we arrived, the echinacea was in full bloom!  I snipped the flowers for drying to make medicine.  I have also found Lavender, Yellow Dock,  Parsley, Nettles,  Thyme, Yerba Buena and Blackberry.  My mamma would be proud!

You all have seen this one before, this is a picture of the view from our deck, off of the dining room.  We've had some amazing sunsets, hence the name of where we live, Sunset Mountain.  Pinch.  Pinch.  See what I mean?  Do I really live here?

My beautiful six burner stovetop!  "I LOVE YOU"!  It's so much nicer to cook on this than my previous electric radiant stovetop.

Serafin playing at the beach!  I love that fresh clean water to play in is just 10 minutes away from our home and the big question of the day is "which beach are we going to go to?"

Serafin rides a donkey at her new school!

Fundamentals Of Life

I came across this photo on my friend Paala's blog.  She writes a lot about breast-feeding and birthing issues.  It's a shame that we have come so far away from our sense of selves that breast-feeding and birthing are even considered "issues".  Both are the most primitive and instinctual acts that all of us experience in one form or another.  What could be more basic, . . . we are born and then we are nourished.

I found myself very moved by this photo.   I was actually thinking about it at 3 in the morning when I was up feeding my son, all cozy and comfortable in my bed.  I am such a blessed woman.  I felt the need to write about it, thank you Paala for bringing this to my attention.

For me, this photo really touches on so many things.  I look at both their emaciated bodies in awe, it shows me that life really struggles hard to continue on, even when our bodies are underfed and malnourished, kind of like a weed that pushes through concrete.  Life is amazing like that.  Without our will or control, it still moves forward, until it doesn't any more.  I am humbly reminded of how powerless I am.  Sigh.  This life!

Seeing this baby drink from his or her mother's breast warms my heart.  A mother, who may or may not even be producing milk for her child, due to her own malnutrition, still tries her best to give what she can to her child.  How beautiful is that.  Even if the child isn't getting any food from the mother, he or she is still getting the bonding experience of nursing and being with his/her mama.  In my opinion, breast-feeding is the one of the most intimate experiences a mother can physically have with her child, right up there with carrying the child and birthing it.

I don't understand why breast-feeding has become such an issue.  Why is it that people judge others for where they breast-feed or how long they breast-feed?  Who cares?  It's not like breast-feeding mama's are heinously flashing their boobs in public, most of the time, it's very discrete and most of the breast is covered up by the babies head.  You see more "T + A" at the local ice-cream shop when the teenage girls come out in their cleavage showing crop-tops and the guys are wearing their baggy-ass sagging jeans!  I just don't get it.  Would a person that harasses a woman in the US for publicly breast-feeding also harass the woman in the picture above??  Why do people care so much what others do about such a personal thing?

As you can see, this photo brings up a lot.  Not to mention, my first instinct, which is people should not be starving like that.  There could be enough food in this world for everybody, if it was somehow managed better and not wasted, but that's a whole other blog post.  In honor of "World Breast-feeding Week" (August 1-7th), I share with you one of the most touching breast-feeding photos I have come across.  There is a lot to be grateful for people, let's concentrate on what's important and stop sweating over the small stuff.  Peace.

Spring time!

Spring is here, . . . sigh.  My favorite time of year.  Such an affirmation of life.  I love taking the dogs out and watching them go crazy with new smells and soft dirt to dig into.  

The wild flowers bloom more and more as the days go by.  Mother nature paints orange, yellow, purple and pink dots all over the hills.  So beautiful.  I find peace walking through nature.

I have to say, the trails up in the Oakland hills have been a refuge for me.  In times of hardship, somehow, the trees, the hills and the sky bring me warmth, even when it's cold and windy outside.  I have walked these paths for a number of years, I have walked them slow, I have walked them briskly, I have walked them at 9 months pregnant, with a child on my back, I've stopped and sat in the grass to breath, I've clambered up random pathless hills and rock climbed my way down the other side.  I can find my way around these hills in my sleep.

Mother Nature, . . . thank you for your gift of life and beauty!

To Be A Mom

Another one of Gary's photos, ya think Mr. Silas could be teething??

I always wanted to have kids.  When I pictured myself grown up and older, I always imagined having a family, particularly with two children, a boy and a girl.  I think because that was how my first nuclear family was formed, that's how I also imagined it.  After trying to become pregnant for almost four years, my sweet daughter Serafin was born.  I felt like my dreams had come true, like a gap was filled inside me.  I had found my "job", . . . to be a mom.

 I believe there is a period of time in everybody's life where they search.  For what?  For contentment.  For a purpose.  For the job that keeps them smiling and amused.  For that "something" that "feels right".  I finally felt like I had gotten what I was in search of with the birth of my first child.  Silas' birth only furthered this feeling.  When he was born, I felt that our family was complete.  

When I look over old blog posts, or look at pictures, I see how much I do with my children.  I see how fast they grow.  It feels like only yesterday that I was pregnant and awaiting the arrival of our first born.  I love being a mom.  I have fun teaching my children things and spending time with them, . . . being creative.  I know I could always do more or do things differently, but parenthood is a learning process.  My children are my teachers too!   I feel blessed that I am in the situation where I can spend this period of their lives with them, connecting with them and being present in their lives.  This is what I wanted.

On the flip side, as life always has it's ups and downs, . . .it isn't always easy!  In fact, a lot of the time I feel like I'm in a circus, juggling life or teetering on a tight rope.  Sometimes I feel like I'm about to fall off into insanity!  Parenthood is amazing, . . . and it's tough.  I NEVER, EVER, thought it would be easy.  

I have always enjoyed my independence and having "Jess Time", which is now slipped in between doing chores, bouncing babies, making sure I, and everybody else, gets fed, bathed and put to bed.  After Serafin was born I struggled with this loss of independence and now that Silas is here, I struggle again.  How do I get "me" time when I'm hardly ever alone?  It ain't easy, I'll tell you that!  I have trouble scheduling anything these days, let alone scheduling in things that I want to do for myself.  These days I'm a "let's play it by ear" gal, it all depends on how much sleep I get the night before.  The plus side is that in a lot of ways having children is teaching me to be more layed back and to let go into life more and more.

You could have guessed, or not, that I'm writing this after having a very difficult night of waking every 1-2 hours, being a human pacifier, holding my crying child, crying myself, praying for sleep, and feeling drained and exhausted.  Yet when the sun comes up and the day gets going, somehow I continue on.  One day at a time, right?  It is all made right when little Silas smiles at me or sweet Serafin tells me she loves me.  My family is my life and as difficult it might be, I wouldn't change a thing (accept maybe throw in a few more hours of sleep here and there!).  Once again I am humbled by gratitude.  I also have to acknowledge that I couldn't do it without my dear hubby who is always around to help (thank goodness)!  I am a blessed woman. 

Love and Light

I've had some stuff brewing in my head lately. I thought it would be nice just to get it all out, plus you might get to know me a little better, . . .

In the last couple of years I've learned more about myself than I have in a decade of living. It's funny how things happen in your life that "wake you up". From becoming a mom and experiencing the love and bonds a parent has for a child, to losing my own mom and dealing with feelings of loss and even abandonment; there is no doubt I am processing a lot and taking on life in it's rawest form. Never mind all of he logistics I've had to learn, and fast, as a repercussion of these two events.

A few days ago I got all cozy on the couch and decided to watch Avatar for the first time. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. Not only is it beautifully done but the message it sends is something that really resonates with my own heart. As I grow older and I come to experience life in it's different stages (i.e. happiness, sadness, pain, . . . ) I have begun to realize how connected I am to this earth, that in fact I am a part of the earth, that I, along with all the trees, the animals, the bugs, am one of mother earths creatures. As I live my life, practice my yoga, cook food, chase after Serafin, walk amongst the trees, give birth to creativity, I have finally begun to really feel mother earth and how alive she is beneath my feet.

In Avatar there is one scene in particular that stands out to me (if you haven't seen it you may not want to read on). In the final scene, Jake Sulley (the main character) lies under the Tree of Souls, surrounded by the indigenous people of Pandora who are chanting and praying for him to leave his human body and enter his avatar (see the picture above). You begin to see the earth latching on to him. In order for his soul to change bodies, it must leave his human body, travel through the earth to Eywa (the mother goddess) and then travel back to his new body if it is meant to be. I know it's only a movie, but it really drew home the fact that we are all just energy. That we are born, we live, we move, we feed our bodies, we rest, and then one day our energy leaves our body and goes somewhere else. Energy moves, energy can't die, it can only be released. To me, that is such a beautiful concept, true re-incarnation. The energy within us is not even "our" energy! It is only borrowed for a short period of time, a lifetime, and then given back to the greater cosmos where it then moves somewhere else.

When I lost my mother this last April, despite the fact that she is not here with me in her human form, I feel her in a different way. She lives on inside me. She lives on in my heart, in my memories. I see her in the flowers when I walk or in the sky during a beautiful sunset. Her energy is everywhere to me.

In a lot of ways dealing with the experience of loss and really feeling what I need to feel in my life has shown me how beautiful life really is. As the saying goes, "what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger." I miss my mom, and at the same time, I am incredibly grateful for the experience she is giving me now. Since she passed, I have become more rooted in myself. I have less fear of dying. I feel stronger. I feel! I have begun to really look at my life and make decisions about what is important and what is not. What is serving me and what is holding me back. Really, it has been an amazing experience. At times I feel pain and it can be difficult, but then there are other times when I feel very full of love and open to this world.

I am blessed to be alive. I am blessed to have every second of this life in this beautiful body that is serving me well. Thank you body. I am blessed to have all of you in my life. You are my teachers. I learn something new all the time. I am simply blessed.

What's going on??

So people, . . . it has been a long long LONG month and a half. Time moves very differently when you are faced with intense emotional "stuff". I have been feeling a few articles brewing in my head, especially since the BP oil spill (my god, don't get me started just yet!). I can tell I'm finding some sort of equilibrium amidst the hardship of dealing with the loss of my sweet mom. I just wanted to give an update.

For all those that are wondering, I am doing ok. It's amazing the amount of support and love that has been pouring out from friends and family. Thank you all. Losing my mom has definitely been one, if not THE, hardest thing I've had to face. I am just in the beginning of comprehending what life will be like without her. The shock has worn off. She is not here. I have moments where I just want to sit down and bawl. Then other moments where I relish in the beauty of life's cycles. I recognize that in my moments of pain, that this too shall pass, and that there is also beauty in feeling and accepting that pain. Life is beautiful. It's amazing how I really do feel my mom's essence all around me.

Serafin has been a little speed demon! In a good way of course. She is crawling all over the place, climbing steps, figuring out how to charm us all, as well as yell and scream to get what she wants. It has been a completely new phase and needless to say, I am EXHAUSTED! In fact, I don't think I have EVER been this tired. But we are getting through it one day at a time and when my little munchkin looks at me and smiles my heart warms and I forget how tired I am.

Once this month is over there will be less on my mind and also a little less to do--after my mom's memorial on May 30th. We are expecting somewhere between 150 and 200 people at the party. We don't really know actually. My mom had a lot of people that loved her. I am looking forward to seeing people that I haven't seen in ages. The food is all planned out. We are going to have some good wine and just have a lovely day. On a side note, of course I bought all biodegradable plates, cups and utensils! Gotta keep with the green! I also ordered 150 lavender saches to give away as a little gift in memory of her. She would have loved that.

Three weeks after my mom's memorial is Serafin's first birthday. It makes me feel so alive to really celebrate birth and death so close to each other. In fact, this lesson has showed me that birth and death, should, in fact, be celebrated every day! To truly live, we must be in the moment!

On the home front, despite the fact that this has been an exhausting time, we have been quite productive. Weeded the entire garden. Planted some Echinacea, sage, purple and orange plants. Cleaned out our hot tub. Got a new tattoo (in honor of my ma)! Cooked, cleaned, laundry, bla bla bla. One of these days I will get to writing a bit more, when I'm ready.

Love you all and that's all for now!

PS
I picked the picture above because I really loved being surrounded by all those flowers, they were in my mom's garden in Napa. I felt I wanted to share the love with you!

In Memory of my Loving Mother

8/23/1948-4/6/2010


Rest in Peace my sweet mother, you are forever in my heart.
You taught me so much and now I take with me all the wisdom and strength you gave me.
You were the head of my woman clan!
The stronghold of the triple Goddess!
Our sweet Serafin will know you through me, I promise that.

Thank you for your strength and courage.
Thank you for holding my hand.
Thank you for taking care of me when I was sick.
Thank you for taking care of me when I was not sick!
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for your love and kindness.
Thank you for understanding!

I will miss the calls.
I will miss the hugs.
I will miss the dinners.

The shared looks of understanding.
The laughs.
The stupid baby voices.
The beeps, the snarls, the funny faces.

Now, I speak out loud to you, . . .
or I write to you in my journal, . . .
I pull a medicine card, . . .
or I talk to the pendulum and ask you questions, . . .

I know you are still here.

You are all around me, . . .
inside and out.
You are not here, . . .
but you are everywhere!

My beautiful mother!

Thank you for giving me this precious life!
Thank you for teaching me the most valuable lesson, . . .
to LIVE!
You will always be in my heart.
Love and light.