"Birth" of a different kind. . .

I've realized something important as of late. . . I'm pretty sure that I don't want to have any more children.  It's a strange feeling to me, this feeling of being "done", kind of a mixture of sadness and relief, especially when I spent so long (four years) trying to get pregnant and then afterwards being pregnant with two children that are not so far apart in age.

Now that my youngest is becoming a toddler, I realize that sometimes I will miss that newborn phase.  You know, when your baby is so little and smells so fresh.  Ooooh, that newborn smell!   I could never get enough of it, I would bury my nose into my babes hair as they milked themselves into a stupor.  I would hold them till they fell asleep in my arms and then hold them some more.  My sweet little babes.

I think no matter how old my children get, they will still be my sweet little babes.  I've heard some people say that they wish their kids could stay little forever.  That's not me.  I have enjoyed every stage of my children's growth so far.  Each one bringing it's own challenges and delights.  That said, as each stage begins and another ends, despite the beauty of it, there is a certain part of my heart that aches, at times, it can be very bitter sweet watching my children grow.  I suppose it all has to do with letting go and watching the cycles of life unfold before my very eyes.

There is a part of me that wishes to continue on in my involvement in advocating for natural birth, and I will.   How this show's up, I'm not sure.  I've thought about becoming a doula or a midwife, but right now my attention needs to be directed towards my children.  Perhaps there will be space for this in the future.  For now, I'm sure you will hear from me, in this regards, via my blog or the various facebook pages I participate in.  There is such a need for women to speak up about birth and the beauty and empowerment it can bestow.  I believe that we, as a people, have come so far away from our natural self that a primal thing, such as giving birth, has become very clinical.  In my experience birthing was far from clinical and more into the realm of spiritual even transcendental.

That said, I still feel "done", even to the point where I am publicly admitting it!  Ha!  99.9999% DONE.  Gotta leave a tiny space for the "what ifs" and/or "buts".  But for now, yes, no more children from this beautiful body of mine.  Time for birth of a different kind, whatever the next adventure may be.  Thank you body for being so amazing and continuing to do so!