To Be A Mom

Another one of Gary's photos, ya think Mr. Silas could be teething??

I always wanted to have kids.  When I pictured myself grown up and older, I always imagined having a family, particularly with two children, a boy and a girl.  I think because that was how my first nuclear family was formed, that's how I also imagined it.  After trying to become pregnant for almost four years, my sweet daughter Serafin was born.  I felt like my dreams had come true, like a gap was filled inside me.  I had found my "job", . . . to be a mom.

 I believe there is a period of time in everybody's life where they search.  For what?  For contentment.  For a purpose.  For the job that keeps them smiling and amused.  For that "something" that "feels right".  I finally felt like I had gotten what I was in search of with the birth of my first child.  Silas' birth only furthered this feeling.  When he was born, I felt that our family was complete.  

When I look over old blog posts, or look at pictures, I see how much I do with my children.  I see how fast they grow.  It feels like only yesterday that I was pregnant and awaiting the arrival of our first born.  I love being a mom.  I have fun teaching my children things and spending time with them, . . . being creative.  I know I could always do more or do things differently, but parenthood is a learning process.  My children are my teachers too!   I feel blessed that I am in the situation where I can spend this period of their lives with them, connecting with them and being present in their lives.  This is what I wanted.

On the flip side, as life always has it's ups and downs, . . .it isn't always easy!  In fact, a lot of the time I feel like I'm in a circus, juggling life or teetering on a tight rope.  Sometimes I feel like I'm about to fall off into insanity!  Parenthood is amazing, . . . and it's tough.  I NEVER, EVER, thought it would be easy.  

I have always enjoyed my independence and having "Jess Time", which is now slipped in between doing chores, bouncing babies, making sure I, and everybody else, gets fed, bathed and put to bed.  After Serafin was born I struggled with this loss of independence and now that Silas is here, I struggle again.  How do I get "me" time when I'm hardly ever alone?  It ain't easy, I'll tell you that!  I have trouble scheduling anything these days, let alone scheduling in things that I want to do for myself.  These days I'm a "let's play it by ear" gal, it all depends on how much sleep I get the night before.  The plus side is that in a lot of ways having children is teaching me to be more layed back and to let go into life more and more.

You could have guessed, or not, that I'm writing this after having a very difficult night of waking every 1-2 hours, being a human pacifier, holding my crying child, crying myself, praying for sleep, and feeling drained and exhausted.  Yet when the sun comes up and the day gets going, somehow I continue on.  One day at a time, right?  It is all made right when little Silas smiles at me or sweet Serafin tells me she loves me.  My family is my life and as difficult it might be, I wouldn't change a thing (accept maybe throw in a few more hours of sleep here and there!).  Once again I am humbled by gratitude.  I also have to acknowledge that I couldn't do it without my dear hubby who is always around to help (thank goodness)!  I am a blessed woman.