I Remember, . . . Missing Mama

We got a 10 foot x-mas tree up in our hallway.  It's huge!  The biggest I've ever had, but it sure is beautiful (for a dead tree) and there is something about the lights and decorations that bring out my inner little girl.  My mom would have loved this tree, she always loved Christmas, it was "her" holiday.  This will be my third Christmas without her and my heart is heavy with grief.  The first year was a haze of sadness and chaos, last year Christmas was a juggle between breastfeeding and sleeping (Silas had just been born a few months earlier).  This year, things feel different.  I feel my grief creeping up again,  I miss my mama.  I wish I could hug her, bury my face into her chest and cry.  I wish I could listen to her heartbeat.  

I'm here on Orcas, a magical place, very new to me and very exciting.  It feels "right" to be here.  I do, however, feel as if my vulnerabilities have come up and smacked me right in my face.  Transitions.  Sigh.  Essential in life, but not always easy.   Life is such a trip.  Along with trying to learn a new way of living, assimilate into a new culture and clan of people, I remember that which I have left behind.  Being in a new home, away from the comfort of familiar places and many loved ones, I remember. 

If my mom hadn't died, I'm not quite sure if we would have made it to Orcas.  We had talked about moving a lot with my parents, but it never went much further than that.  You never know what happens in this life, but I wasn't ready to move at that point.  Mom's death brought about a much needed lesson in me, to live life as fully as possible and, what that means for each person is different.  

Mom was the one parent who held me tight and never wanted me to go.  Once, she actually said those words to me, "don't go", I could see in her eyes the sadness she held at the thought of me moving away.  It made me sad too.   How much I love my parents.  How LUCKY I am to love my parents and to have always felt their love.  Unconditional love.  In regards to moving, Dad always displayed more understanding of our desire for a new adventure, after all, he travelled all the way around the world to be with my mom.  After she passed, everything shifted, our lives had changed in an instant.  Once the grief settled, something lifted inside me and I decided it was time for a life change.  Now, here I am.  And the beauty of it all?  Another level of grief.  Another lesson to learn.  I can feel it, live in it and let it pass along, as it will in its own time.  In the meantime, I can hold my mama close to my heart and remember.


~Miss you Mama.  May your soul be flying high, soaring, arms reached out, wind in your your long beautiful hair.  Your energy moving on to the next incredible adventure.  Thank you for everything.