|The blossoming tree out in front of our house.|
My poor Gary is sick again. First it was his ribs back in December, now it's some weird stomach thing, that's the only way I know how to describe it. It's been over a week now since he's been feeling bad. It has been hard.
Sometimes I find it difficult for me to write about things of this nature, like I'm letting you all into the darker side of my life, or there is something (I don't know what) to be ashamed of if life isn't going the way I want it to. As if certain things are meant to be kept "secret" for some reason. I guess I have been trained, somehow, to store away my darker moments and to carry them on my shoulders. But alas, I know, deep down, I find solace in sharing.
Yes, I find grounding when I write. Getting the inside out of me. So here I am, at my computer typing away for 10 minutes at a time; while managing laundry, diaper changes, food on the table, picking up and dropping off, and making silly faces at my children. I already feel a little better knowing that you are here, reading, holding a space for me to be able to share my stories. I thank you for that sweet readers.
It is hard for me to care for the sick. I am realizing that I am no nurse. As much as I have practiced healing in my life via massage, Reiki and other modalities, I find myself having difficulty being a constant care giver. I've said it before and I'll say it again, it sucks ass seeing somebody you love in pain. "I just want it all to be better, right now!" That was my inner little girl talking. All my energy, at the moment, is going towards taking care of the kids, helping my sweet husband with whatever he might need, squeezing in the occassional shower (I kinda smell), and trying to sleep (what's that again?). Oh yeah, and I'm missing my mom too. Bleh.
I remember though, I have so much to be grateful for. I am an optimist, even in my darker moments, I continued to be even after my mom died, seeing life as a beautiful fleeting time on this earth. I also know that harder moments are here for a reason, some lesson that the universe has put before me that I am needing to learn. Truth be told, this isn't all that bad. There is so much around me that makes me smile and find peace. When my eyes are baggy and black with circles from lack of sleep, and I feel like my legs are going to fall from under me (like at the end the day when I have to go up two flights of steps to change a 4th poopie diaper), I take a deep breath and I put one foot in front of the other and I look at the blooming tree in front of our house. That is when I remember that this too shall pass, everything will change, and that life really is amazing. Like the petals falling from the tree and the flower buds turning into sweet fruit--life keeps moving and life too is sweet.